Confessions of an unconventional yogi...

The truth is…I’ve always felt a little different. The rebel at the back with big thighs and tattoos.

I spent most of my early years of yoga practice in chi-chi London yoga studios (I won’t name names!), where on most days, I was the ‘largest’ person in the room. I was a size 14 – 16 at that point, the UK average, which wasn’t particularly encouraging or representative!

Now I know that I was completely fine as I was, that there was nothing wrong with me. I had just as much of a right to be there as everyone else.

But it was a battle I had with myself for a long time. The not being skinny enough, not being good enough. The not being graceful and lithe and floaty enough.

When I embarked on my first teacher training in 2016, I was terrified. Would I be good enough? Would I be able to keep up? Turns out… I needn’t have worried. The school I initially trained with was accepting even those who had never practiced before.

But it was a fear that kept me from pursuing my dream for a good few years before I felt brave enough to answer the call.

I remember the day we began to work on forearm stand in class. It was the same story as it had been for so many years before. Desperately hopping on one leg against a wall, trying to get my hips over my shoulders, whilst everyone around me effortlessly popped up into graceful inversions. I left the room and sat outside, overlooking the River Ganges. I called my boyfriend, told him I wanted to quit. I didn’t really. I was just frustrated.

It's been a lifelong journey.

A thread that has always run through my teaching is to help people feel enough as they are. Right from the very first public class that I taught – a group of colleagues from my old office job. I learned so much in that first lesson – I was so used to teaching yoga bodies that when I first encountered real life bodies – stiff from sitting at desks, injuries and all – it was a real wake up call.

I knew there and then that I needed to find a way to make my teaching as accessible as possible. I started to study modifications that I could pull out of my toolbox to support my students and learnt how to use props so that I could help people work from where they were. I wanted to make sure people felt that they had every much right to be there as the person next to them.

So much of ‘modern yoga’ is posture based. I get disheartened sometimes looking on Instagram at the ‘most popular’ yoga photos because most of the time they are extreme, extreme backbends that probably aren’t doing much good for the person performing them, let alone anyone who tries to emulate it themselves.

For the ordinary, everyday person, who simply wants to feel better, this is dangerous.

I say dangerous because it makes them feel less than. I know it did for me all those years ago. And when people feel less than, it makes it so much more challenging to take the plunge and just give something a try.

The online yoga world rarely talks about the fact that everyone’s anatomy is beautifully, imperfectly different. It wasn’t until I picked up a copy of Bernie Clark’s ‘Your Body, Your Yoga’ that I realised how much variance there is in the hip socket, for example. And that this was likely the reason I couldn’t, and may never, get into lotus pose on one side.

I worry sometimes that, through our culture’s fascination with and celebration of advanced asana, we’re alienating the people who need it most and moving further away from the real meaning of yoga. If I had a pound for every time someone messaged me and asked if it was alright for them to come to my class because they weren’t very flexible… well you know, how the saying goes.

Another incident that happened early on in my teaching career was a friend who turned to me and said, ‘I’d practice yoga you know, if it wasn’t for all the spiritual shit’.

As a young teacher, I was eager to please. But if I knew then what I know now, I would have replied as follows:

If we continue to sugar-coat yoga as just being some lovely stretches in funky leggings, we’re going to lose the real heart of it. And that’s the part of yoga that our culture so desperately needs. Because let’s face it, having a sexy yoga butt isn’t going to change the world. Being able to perform a hollow back handstand on one arm isn’t going to change the world.

But opening our minds, having the courage to see things differently, coming together as equals, feeling confident to be who we are and not feel less than… that very well might.

What I know now is that everything I’ve experienced up until this point, my own yoga journey and all the many struggles I’ve experienced along the way, has brought me to this place. As a teacher, it is the greatest gift I have to offer. All the years of not feeling good enough has given me a fierce compassion and a desire to do better for my own students.

I love helping people to feel strong and get some respite from their busy lives. I love weaving in some of the more spiritual aspects, in accessible ways, to help people stretch their minds as well as their bodies in my classes. I love welcoming new people on to the mat and encouraging them to keep going.

This will always be my teaching ethos, and I’ll never stop learning and growing so that I can continue to serve my students in this way.

In 2018, I worked up the guts to create Rock Om, a special yoga class set to rock music, which had been a dream of mine for some years. At the time I was teaching beginner classes, so it was a stepping stone of sorts to being able to create something else that went one step further. But really and truly, when I look back now, I realise it was my rebel yell to all the times I felt not good enough.

There’s uplifting rock music to help you feel inspired and motivated. A combination of yoga and HIIT to get the blood pumping and feel-good endorphins flowing. A thread running through of empowerment and believing in yourself and doing the best you can – and a big FU to anyone who makes you feel less than.

We’re running a special Rock Om event this Good Friday over at The Yoga Factory. If you feel moved to come and join me, I’d love to see you there. Details are here.

And if that doesn’t float your boat, come and join me for one of my weekly classes or get in touch about a private session. I’ll meet you exactly where you are and help you find your yoga practice.

Don’t stop believing ;)